final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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