You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
