So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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