Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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