dude i'm inner monologue high
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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