imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
