The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
