Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
home. puking in laundry basket.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
