Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
40s are totally the cure
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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