If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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