we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
