I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
As shirtless as possible
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
