Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize