woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize