my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Congratulations! We have a period
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