with your own penis?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
