...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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