The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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