You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
