there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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