Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
