I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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