No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
