I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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