i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
