I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
