I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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