Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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