Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
