I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
