hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
