I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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