so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
