we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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