Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Randomize
