I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
