If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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