MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
