I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Well I just put wine in my tea
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
