I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
