saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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