"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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