What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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