I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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