were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
MIDGETS
????
I'm getting married
To pizza
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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