Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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