I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
