Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
