three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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