I didn't shave. On purpose
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
