I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
