So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
