I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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