Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
