hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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