we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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