My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
