I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
