I need to stop coming to work sober
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
